Odd Posts about Stuff
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swan
You are a nut.
11/5/2009 9:56:31 AM
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architect
Having little to do today, I've been PLAYING WITH MY INNER CHILD. And I've come up with some good reasons to let that INNER CHILD FREE.
--You can watch ANYTHING with your six year old and like it. Even Barney. In fact, Barney is damn fun to a six year old. I get it now.
--As you age, and begin to lose control of your bodily functions, and begin to leak a little, and begin to wear those adult diapers.if you've fully accepted your INNER CHILD you'll make the transition easier. After all, kids wear diapers and make dooty in their shorts. Just like you.
--Eating is guilt free. Have you ever seen a four year old feel guilty while eating a Ding Dong? Do they sit there worrying about heart attacks or getting fat while peeling off the wrapper? No. The worst thing they're thinking is "Can I have another when I'm done with this one?" Life is good.
--You can throw tantrums all day long and the worst that will happen to you is you'll get sent to your room alone. Which is really what you mostly want anyway.
--You can talk back to your spouse, and instead of getting slapped silly, you get a finger wag and "Don't talk to your mother like that."
--You can refuse to eat carrots, spinach, celery, and okra. And nothing they do to you will matter. Whatever they do, it's better than eating snot.
--You can stare at people without them calling the police. Kids stare. Adults accept it.
--You can throw a crying fit if you don't get what you want, which is usually sex. Nothing makes a spouse hotter than a crying screaming child. Trust me.
11/4/2009 9:02:11 AM
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gwd
funny
11/2/2009 7:55:15 PM
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architect
Um, thanks. I'm a failure as a mole hunter. Ask the wife.
11/2/2009 5:31:10 PM
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swan
or a mole hunter
11/2/2009 4:45:26 PM
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swan
you should be a writer
11/2/2009 4:44:54 PM
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architect
Some Skiing Definitions for newbies...
--A SLIDER : When you fall on an icy slope and slide more than 200 yards.
--A BRUISER : When that slide ends at a tree.
--A CRUNCHER :When that slide ends in some rocks.
--SANDPAPER SLIDE : When that slide ends on dirt, and you are going fast enough to slide a minimum of 10 yards into the dirt.
--LUNCH TIME : When that slide ends in the resort cafeteria.
--THE LOVEMAKER : When that slide ends on top of someone in the lift line.
--A BOWLER : When that slide ends in a group of people in the lift line.
--DRIVE AWAY : When that slide ends up in the parking lot.
--RUN OVER : When that slide ends up on the highway.
--HIGH DIVE : When that slide ends up at the top of a drop off that's more than ten yards high.
--THE PLOP : When that drop off is less than ten yards high.
--THE SPLAT : When that drop off terminates on a hard surface. Rocks, trees, or more icy snow.
--THE HIGH DIVE SLIDE : The grandaddy of all skiing experiences. When your SLIDE ends up in a HIGH DIVE which turns into another SLIDE.
--THE DOUBLE HIGH DIVE SLIDE : Basically, your worst ski day ever.
--THE TUMBLER : A slide done on a slope steep enough to encourage some air time and alternate positions as you descend.
--THE SHOWOFF : A slide done under a lift. COmbine with THE TUMBLER for best effect. Often results in applause from the assholes on the lift, followed by "HEY, YOU LOST YOUR HAT BACK THERE.
--THE ADDICT : Someone who does SLIDES repeatedly. Basically a real dumb shit.
--BILLARDS : A SLIDE that results in you hitting more than five objects without stopping.
--IN THE POCKET : A BILLARDS SLIDE that ends with you in a lake or big crevasse.
--FREE FLYING : Anytime you end up in the air for more than three seconds during a SLIDE.
--THE BAR FLY : Any slide where you end by flying...not sliding...into the bar at the base lodge.
--THE SMUDGE : And slide that results in you leaving a long red stain in the snow behind you. This happens in mountain climbing a lot.
--THE LITTERBUG : Any slide where you leave body parts behind you.
--WATERSKIING : A slide that ends with you skimming at least 20 yards across a lake. 20 yards is far enough out that you'll probably not be able to touch bottom and will drown under 100 lbs of wet down. Sure, down is great when it's cold, but gets real heavy when waterlogged.
--THE HELICOPTER : A slide done while spinning in wild circles flailing your limbs.
--LINE CUTTER : A slide that ends with you airborne landing on an empty chair on the chairlift. Lucky bastard.
--LAP DANCE : A slide that ends with you airborne and landing on a chair on the chairlift that was NOT empty.
--GROUP SEX : Any slide where you hit others on the way down, and they join you in the slide.
--ORGY : Any slide where those that join you all do HELICOPTERS at the same time. Truly a sight to behold. Gotta love orgies.
--ORAL SEX : Any slide there you end up with a tree branch in your mouth. That's how Sony Bono went. Oral Sex.
--BAD LUNCH SLIDE : Where you lose your lunch during or within five minutes of sliding.
--BAD GONDOLA RIDE :Where you do a BAD LUNCH on the ride back up the hill.
--HIT AND RUN : A slide where you run into a resort employee on a snowmobile and don't stop to exchange insurance info.
--GRAND THEFT AUTO : A slide where you hit a snowmobile, take out the driver, and end up on the snowmobile careening wildly towards a cliff.
--THE CANCELLED TICKET : Where after a spectacular slide, the ski resort pulls your lift ticket for exessive speeding.
--PERMANENT EXILE : A slide that ends up, well, you know, with you dead.
11/2/2009 4:42:11 PM
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architect
OSAMA BIN LADEN FOUND.RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSE(s)
I was looking at the CNN.com website like I always do every morning to see if anything important happened during the night. Is something relevant and newsworthy has recently occurred, they'll have it. Sure, they may miss a lot of stuff when it comes to newsworthy events concerning Britney Spears or Paris Look-at-me Hilton, but usually they hit all the other important events pretty good. Like Governor Sptizers travails. They were all over that. Lord knows, when our government officials visit hookers.we need to know about it.
But today was something of a disappointment. The Cnn.com homepage includes links to the following stories.
-Ray leaps from water, kills woman on boat
-Boy bitten twice by rattlesnake
-Starbucks owes $100 million in back tips
-Granny chases robber, pulls him off fence
-Giant sea creatures found in Antarctic
-Even your dog has a blog
-Rat attacks woman on toilet, she drowns it
-Dad's Mustang gift turns out to be stolen
-France to cut nuke arsenal to less than 300
-Somebody looked at Obama's passport file.
Now, not to take anything away from the importance of flying manta's, drowning rats (wouldn't you love to see THAT whole thing on America's Funniest Videos), aggressive Grannies, blogging dogs (what.BARKING isn't enough for them???), and fickle Frenchmen (turns out they LOST all their nukes. They didn't willingly REDUCE their horde).but WHERE'S THE BEEF? Out of curiosity, I went over to nationalenquirer.com to see what news they were running.and aside from a story about Britney's Alien Nanny.a REAL alien.not an illegal immigrant alien.their news was exactly the same as cnn's. Wow. I guess it's been a slow news week. Of course, the Enquirer had things twisted around a bit.on their website these were the stories.
--Giant sea creature leaps from water, bites woman on ass
--Granny steals Mustang, drowns on toilet
--Rattlesnake bites boy in Starbucks
--Rattlesnake has blog.
I'm not sure whether the Enquirer got it right, or whether CNN was more accurate. I guess it doesn't matter, because in the final analysis NONE OF THIS MATTERED ANYWAY. Who the hell cares about hormonal grannies, rattlesnakes, or blogging dogs?
But buried away in all this was something important.something few people noticed.something we should ALL care about.after all.we've paid billions upon billions of dollars and thousands of lives to accomplish this.and until now we haven't succeeded.
--OBAMA'S PASSPORT FILE BREACHED
That's what I'm talking about. Why is that important you ask? I'm glad you asked. Someone looked inside his passport file. What did they find? What's the big deal? Well.imagine their surprise when they found out that all joking aside.OBAMA AND OSAMA REALLY ARE THE SAME PERSON.OSAMA BIN LADEN HAS BEEN HIDING UNDER OUR VERY NOSES THIS WHOLE TIME.MAKING A MOCKERY OF OUR INEPT EFFORTS TO FIND HIM. No wonder we couldn't find the shmuck.he's been right here in the USA running for office. Who the hell pays attention to politics in this country? Not me, that's for sure. What a genius way to hide out. IN PLAIN SIGHT.
If you don't believe all this, go to the cnn.com website right now and look at the picture of OBAMA. Now, imagine him with a beard. HE LOOKS JUST LIKE OSAMA. A spitting image. Why? Because he IS OSAMA. We are all dummies. We should have seen this. I can't believe we've been so dumb. The guy shaves his beard, puts on a suit and tie, and fools 300 million Americans, including 9 CIA guys. Hell, even his NAME is almost the same. That right there should have been a dead giveaway.
So yes, today there was news. Real news. Nobody really cares about freak accidents in boats, nasty grannies, and blogging dogs. But finding OSAMA.Now THAT'S news. But oddly, it's not even the top story. No, the top story is.Disfigured Woman Dies. Followed by Giant Sea Creatures found in Antarctic.
11/2/2009 4:40:43 PM
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architect
I GOT A MOLE
No, I don't mean the kind on Cindy Crawford's face. That would be cool. I like Cindy Crawford. But that's not what I mean. I mean I got one of those little furry bastards that tunnel all over your yard eating $500 trees. I would rather have had Cindy's mole, but this was almost as good.
Like most people, we're plagued by moles. Last week when emptying the blow-up swimming pool all the water in our yard disappeared immediately into a bunch of holes. Out of one hole popped a mole, who looked around, ran across the yard, and disappeared into another hole. It happened so fast that instead of grabbing a shovel and whacking off it's ugly little head, we could only say "Hey, I think that's a mole." In any even, this proved that all these holes in the yard were NOT caused by illegal aliens tunneling into the USA.
So encouraged by the wife to "GET RID OF THOSE DAMN MOLES OR DON'T COME HOME", I did some internet research, and learned the following.
1. The only surefire way to get rid of moles is to trap them. All those other remedies only SEEM to work because moles, being somewhat migratory little animals, disappear for a while and roam around, making you THINK that your expensive sonic MOLE KILLER actually worked. According to the experts.NOTHING but trapping will work. And according to most experts, the BEST trap for these bastards is something called the Victor Mole Trap from www.victorpest.com.
2. If you don't trap and kill these bastards, you will ALWAYS have moles.
So I showed the wife this interesting trapping device, and figured she'd forget about the whole thing and I wouldn't have to do anything else.
Well, it was my birthday a couple days ago, and what do I get for a birthday present? YOU GUESSED IT. A Brand New Victor Mole Trap. the wife, always on the lookout for interesting birthday gifts that don't run on fossil fuel got me one.
At first you'd think this was an awful birthday gift. Kind of like me getting her a vacuum cleaner. I only did that once. Boy did I learn my lesson. Now I get her useless stuff like jewelry and other fancy baubles for the maids to steal. BUT THEN I OPENED THE BOX.
THIS THING IS AWESOME!!! You have to see it to believe it. It's about 16" long, made up of heavy duty steel, has a huge 10" long spring, six 6" long steel spears, a chain, a heavy duty triggering device, a pull handle to cock the device, and some real heavy weight spikes to stick it into the ground. In short.all the components of a great sex toy, but put together in a different order. It's awesome. Think "Bear Trap". That's how sturdy this sucker is. Just holding it makes you HOT FOR MOLE. She found this thing at the nursery in Blue Jay. The sales person said "Let us know how it works. We don't sell many of them because they make a real bloody mess." Now THAT is a sales recommendation if I ever heard one.
So I put it in my yard.
The idea is that like most creatures on this planet, moles suffer character flaws that often end up causing their demise. Governors like hookers. That's often their downfall. Apparently moles can't resist reopening tunnels that have been collapsed. And that's where this trap comes in. Like the proverbial $5000 hooker, this trap plays to weakness.and results in terminating the moles ability to tunnel into dark holes. That's also what happens when a governor gets caught with a hooker. No more dark holes for him. At least not on state time. So what you do is find a mole tunnel.which is easy if you've got them all over your yard like I do.and you press on it with your foot to collapse the tunnel. Then you mount this trap over the top of the tunnel on the surface. When the mole comes along in his tunnel, and starts digging it out again, he pushes up on the surface, triggering the trap, and these 6" long spears spring down into his little head, effectively preventing him from attending whatever mole party he was headed to. It's a bloody mess. IT'S SPECTACULAR. IT'S AWESOME.
So I put the thing in my yard, and this is what I learned.
--It works. I got a mole the first day. Yes, it makes a bloody mess. A goddamn beautiful bloody mess. Even better, the little bastard might not have died instantly.
--Yes, it will spear irrigation pipe. Makes you think you should have buried that pipe 12" deep like they tell you to.
--Yes, it will spear your foot. All the way through. Pay attention to the directions when you set it, and don't put it over your foot. It hurts even if it only catches the fleshy part between your toes.
--It's reusable. I'm going for number 2. Then I'll go for number 3. It's really fun. If anyone has moles, give me a call. I like doing this.
--It freaks little children out. They won't go near it. They think it's gonna go off and spear their foot. I don't know why they think that, but they do.
--One is good. I'm buying more. I see a yard full of these things. How cool would that be?
So, if you have moles, this is the thing you need. I don't know if they work on gophers.I don't think they do because gophers don't suffer the same love of hookers that governors do, but you never know. I suspect most people have moles and not gophers anyway.
Have fun. Post pictures if you catch a mole.
11/2/2009 4:37:17 PM
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